The Procrastinator Stikes Again

And once again I've abandoned a thing. It's been over a year since I wrote on this blog and in that time I've started a new blog on Vox, grown my hair, gotten two raises and a promotion, moved into a new apartment and did the dirty in several awesome ways.

Damnit why do I procrastinate so much? I can't seem to help myself and honestly I'm proving to be a rather undependable individual. I mean if I can't count on my own damn self who can? Jeez. Still there's progress being made. I've been making these goals for myself one per year and I keep succeeding at them. Progress? Or fear of ending up like my mother? Whichever it is let's keep it up, I need to become a more responsible adult.

Anyway, I'm going to try my best to keep this up. No more shirking my duties. I'm trying to decide whether to move the Vox blog posts over here (obviously there weren't many) as well as my website articles. I'll decide on that later.

Okay, second time's a charm ... fingers crossed.

Seriously.....!!!!!!

How could you NOT want to punch her in the face?

Look at that vacant stare? This super dim bulb looks like she's trying to figure out how she got there and why someone's taking her picture. Gah, why must she exist?

Blondes worldwide should take offense to her existent. She is every stereotype of blondes out there and she makes them ALL TRUE!

ENOUGH!!!!

God I swear if Nick Lachey comes out with one more stupid "I broke up with Jessica Simpson" fucking song I'm going to slash my wrists. Dude we get it. You got your heart broken, or at least that's what you'd like us to believe. Fine. I joined Team Lachey, I got the t-shirt, I sang the fucking anthem. Enough already.

Jesus. Is this how you plebs felt about Brangelina? I know I can't get enough of them, but I'm well aware that there are some of you silly, silly people out there who aren't that interested in them. If so I heartily commiserate with your annoyance of just being completely sickened by their overexposure. Because I cannot take another song from Nick Lachey whining about how broken his heart is.

That said Brangelina rules all and Shiloh kicks the ass of creepy Suri any day. Go Team Angelina!

Speaking of overexposed. Seriously, why do people keep trying to insist that Paris Hilton is pretty? SHE'S NOT! Look I'm not going to pretend that I'm supergorgeous fabulous. Look at my pic, I seriously do look like a fucking cartoon character. I'm cute, never pretty, always cute till the day I die, but god damn stop with the Paris lies.

She is NOT pretty. First of all she's got a fucked up face. It's broad and she's got a skinny pointy nose in the middle of it and pucky lips. Her features aren't even striking. They're rather non descript and just cause she can throw on some extensions and run around barely dressed, does not make her goodlooking or hot. Trust me, I've seen the video. There are sides of Paris that no one should ever see. Her face is just one of them.

Now am I saying this cause I hate her and because I'm on Team Nicole? Not really. I don't hate Paris, I just think she's a meh. I think Nicole is the more charismatic of the two and the smarter one, but I don't think Paris is stupid and I don't hate her. I reserve that feeling for Jessica Simpson, who I better not ever meet because I really want to punch her in the face for her dumb blonde schtick.

She for whatever reason, has decided she's Marilyn mixed with Lucy and let me tell you, you over-inflated blowup doll. You're not even good enough to kiss the ground those two women walked on.

You should be playing the speed bumb in the next Jackass movie, because that's about all you're worthy of doing. And for the love of god just STOP 'SINGING!'

You're On Notice Bitch!

Got anyone you need to put on notice? Let them know that you're done messing around and they better clean their fucking act up? Well thanks to the brilliance that is Stephen Colbert, this dude named Jeff decided to borrow Stephen's On Notice bit from his show and now you too can put some bitches 'On Notice'. Go here, and let them know you're not playing.

My 'On Notice' board ...

Alternative Thinking?

Yeah I've been wondering that myself. Here I am touting a blog that's supposed to be a guide to Alternate thinking and so far all I've done is basically talking to myself and make fun of Justin Timberfake (again with the originality)

Well here's something ... well gross. The skin at the base of my thumbnail is dead. Seriously it's dead and I can't feel it and I'm wondering if I should have gone to the doctor and not think that painting the nail purplish green -- to compliment the discoloration underneath -- would be a good idea.

Anyway here's some alternative thinking.

1. I think the US version of The Office is better than the original UK version. (GASP!!!) Whatever. It is. The characters are more appealing and the episodes are funnier.

I didn't think the original version was that funny. Yes no doubt it's more painful to watch because most of the cast with the exception of Tim and Dawn were basically asshats, who shouldn't be allowed outside much less in a work place and on camera to boot.

Don't get me wrong I get British humor, I do. I grew up watching 'Allo 'Allo for Christ' sake and that's head and shoulders above The Office ... either version. I watched Are You Being Served, Men Behaving Badly, Yes Minister, Father Ted, Home To Roost, Keeping Up Appearances, Mr. Bean ... etc. I love British comedies, so when I tell you the US version is better, it just plain is.

2. I don't think Cameron Diaz is very pretty. In fact I think she's rather fug. She kinda reminds me of a troll doll.

Cameron?

I don't find her that talented either. I'm actually surprised at her level of celebrity and to take a page from the guys over at FameTracker, I think her level of celebrity is way too high. She's up there with Julia Roberts, but I think realistically she should be just a notch above Paris Hilton.

To me her appeal was greatest when she was that sexy curvy girl in The Mask with Jim Carrey. She looked exotic and sultry. Not that I mind her being the goofy girl she's played in her better known roles since then, but I just don't think she's as appealing as she and the fame mongers would like you to think.

3. While I'm no Paris fan, I'd pick her over Hillary Duff anyday. I don't get 'sweet, former Tween Queen' when I look at her. I see bitchface all day long and it makes me want to punch her every single time.

4. I don't get the appeal of Teri Hatcher. I loved her in Lois and Clarke but let's face it, she's the weakest link in Desperate Housewives. As a person Teri's pretty meh, in my opinion as a character, Susan is an awful, selfserving, delusional character and I find that she takes away too much screen time from the other four far better characters.

Her storyline never makes any sense and it jumps around like it's as retarded as Susan is. It's too bad really that Karl won't be around much longer, because I'm quite ready for him to get custody of Julie and let Susan ride off into the sunset in her mobile home with Mike, who is as bland and boring as she is.

5. My cousin is thinking of buying a house that was a former plantation. She calls me today and tells me about the 'pantry' or whatever, that was apparently the former slave quarters. It's not really an alternative thought, but I just thought I'd throw it in there as a big 'what the fuck' statement.

6. I find it amusing that so many Americans are up in arms about immigration and the fact that the newer set of immigrants are proud of their former cultures and homelands inspite of having left them to seek a better life in this country. They complain that the immigrants are being unAmerican in not learning the language, in carrying their respective countries' flags in protests and that they don't feel the need to assimilate themselves into the 'American culture.'

As an immigrant myself, I wonder if any of these so very patriotic Americans have considered the fact that when the settlers first came to America, rather than assimilate into the culture that they found here, they chose instead to stamp it out. They didn't bother learning the language and other than refusing to drink bloody tea or have a monarchy, they were pretty much as European as the Europe they'd fled.

Funny how now two hundred plus years later, their descendants are up in arms that anyone would dare come to this country and do to them what they did to the Native Americans.

Second Chances

In my personal life, I'm a big believer in second chances. Truth be told I'm just a sucker so I end up letting people weasel their way back into my good graces cause I can't stay mad for too long. Unless you're my evil, dead, grandmother or my drunk father or my evil, bitch cousin Nicole or my cold, cold mother who I pity at times, but then she pisses me off before I can act on my momentary weakness.

That said, I'm not so forgiving towards my pop culture friends. No Mel, you don't get to just apologize and squeak about the alcohol made you say stupid things. I had a father who was a drunk ... I know how this works idiot. I'm not the gullible masses to be appeased by a faux apology, a convenient stint in rehab and a generous donation which I'm sure will be forthcoming.
No you're officially on my shit list and you're staying there you anti-Semitic, chauvinist pig. Where's that police woman's apology for calling her sugartits asshole?

But I'm not here to talk Mel, no I'm here to talk about the few pop culture characters that I've found myself giving second chances to, when before I hated them more than I do my evil dead grandmother.

Take for instance Jason Alexander. No not Britney's 15sec husband. I mean the actor. The funny little balding man from Seinfeld. All around not very threatening. But alas Jason ran afoul of my good nature when he appeared in Pretty Woman as Philip Stuckey and slapped my beloved Vivian/Julia Roberts.

You know the scene I'm talking about, the one where he tried to rape her after he blamed her for changing Edward so much that he no longer was able to influence him.

For years I let my utter hate for this character pour over into everything else Jason Alexander did. I refused to watch Seinfeld, didn't care how many people raved about it. Refused to watch him in anything period, my hate for him was so strong.

You're all like wtf is her deal right now aren't you? Well understand, Julia Roberts was my first icon. My first celeb crush with her pretty red curly hair and huge smile. She made me fall in love with her simply by being her goofy self ... albeit while playing a whore.

So in my deep love for Julia Roberts, which by the way has never abated, although I've had to come to terms with her decision to wear her hair straight these days, in my deep love for her I hated all things Alexander. But then suddenly out of the blue my hate diminished ... Nay it disappeared. I have no idea what changed it or when exactly. Perhaps it was catching Seinfeld late night or reluctantly seeing Mr. Alexander in a movie where he wasn't playing a would be rapist asshole that my temper cooled and I took a second look.

Imagine my shock to discover that JA was not in fact George Stuckey. I know how obvious right? JA was not an asshole, he was a goofy little guy, like a cuddlier Danny Devito. Suddenly I liked JA. And now, years after the fact I can actually confirm that Seinfeld is funny. Seriously George Costanza ... Hilarious. Such an awful little man, but so well played. You pity him, you're appalled by him, you're disgusted by him and you're always, always in awe of him.

Now giving him a second chance didn't make me offer it openly to other celeb dislikes. I still don't like Brian Dennehy, don't remember what he did to offend me, but I think it had something to do with what an asshole he was in Rambo. Still don't like Steven Segal ... but I know you all understand that one. Still do not like whatsherface from A Different World that played Jaleesa, her bitchface just ruined everything for me. Still don't like Jennifer Aniston. Rachel was a spoiled bitch when the show began and when it ended she was still a spoiled bitch. Anytime you insult Chandler you insulted me you heinous bitch. Go Team Angelina!

So why then did I suddenly start liking Bob Saget this year? Is it because of his hilarious turns on Entourage as himself? Swearing, whoring it up and generally being as un-Danny Tanner as he possibly could? Perhaps. I really didn't like Danny Tanner, he always spoiled the fun. Half the time I was wishing that he'd die and that Uncle Jesse and Joey would end up raising the kids together. Not in a gay way ... although you know Joey hoped.

Maybe it was the way he always seemed to moralize at the end of the show, like he'd just taught us, the kids and Jesse a good responsible lesson. Blah, I hate moralizing, I hate 'lessons' fuck you Aesop and your asshole fables. People aren't idiots, they don't need you trying to make them better people with your bullshit reasonings. Like you wouldn't have been bitter if you'd spent all day trying to get some damn grapes and just couldn't.

Okay then ... clearly my bitterness for Danny Tanner et al is still there, but my dislike of Bob Saget has gone. I think I'll give Entourage credit for my giving Bob a second chance ... he certainly wasn't helping himself with the cheesy hosting of AFV, but suddenly I find Bob funny, appealing even. Not in a sexual way though. Doesn't hurt that he's the narrator of one of my fav new shows last season How I Met Your Mother. For being on the show that brought Barney into my life, giving Neil Patrick Harris a second chance (theme) at tv stardom, is major points in my book.

So in the spirit of fairness and the delight that I'm currently receiving from my first batch of second chance celebs, let me extend the opportunity to Chuck Norris to prove to me that he's not a complete jackhole and that I shouldn't dream of shaving off his beard with a dull machete. Give me a chance to overlook your overall cheesiness Chuck and show me that you too, like Jason and Bob, can become a celeb that I can appreciate.

Conan's been giving you a helping hand with his bit where he shows scenes from your show, and that website that spoofs you, certainly makes me laugh ... so why don't you step up, put aside the giant belt buckle and make me an offer that I don't want to refuse. What do ya say Chuck? Ready to get on my good side?

First Official Post! I Wanna Be A Bad Boy! Can I Mommy? Please?

JT's Bad Boy To Do List

1. Wear my hair in cornrows like the African Americans do.
2. Make love FUCK (hee) a nice pop star. And then tell everyone.
3. Do something illegal controversial and then get out of it. Hopefully make everyone forget that I cried and called my mommy when that dodihead (hee dodi) Ashton punked me.
4. Defeat Usher. Defeat Nick Lachey!
5. Date a hot actress
6. Make a movie. Make a movie that doesn't suck!
7. If any of that doesn't work tell everyone that I've done a lot of drugs. Because drugs are cool and they make me look dangerous.

I do drugs! Yeah Baby! I'm cool now! I did Britney, I flashed Janet's boobie (hee boobie) I do Cameron and now I DO DRUGS TOO! Whoo hoo.

That's telling them JT. Now you're a bad boy. Maybe you can make a sex video with random strippers next. Or better yet with Kid Rock. No not with each other JT. Well maybe if that's your thing. There's nothing wrong with that.

How Personal Should I Get?

On my website I get pretty personal. Okay not really. I dance around a lot of stuff like who my friends and I really are. Don't get me wrong, everything there is honest and true. We don't lie, but we just don't tell you everything.

So I'm trying to decide how personal I should get with this blog or if I should get personal at all. Should this be strictly devoted to my thoughts and opinions on a particular subject like television or music or books or should I pour my soul into the pixels that make up this page?

Well after writing that, I'll go with the former. I'm not a soul pouring kinda gal.

Okay so that's one decision made. Next up, how often should I update? I started this blog on Sunday, but did nothing to it yesterday. So daily? Once daily? More than once? Weekly? If I'm honest I'll say that it'll be updated when the mood strikes. And I'm a creature of my moods, so that means whenever.

Alright, we're making progress. You don't know it, but I took a break, had lunch, surfed the web a bit and did very little work (even if I'm on the job) and I've decided to simply dedicate this site to pop culture.

Whoa, revolutionary. Never let it be said that I didn't lead the way ... to the back of the line.

So that's it ... all decisions have been made. This blog will be about pop culture and will be updated whenever. The height of innovation. Why just the other day I invented fire.